‘The true self is like an ocean. You cannot expect to catch the same fish every time you jump in’.
Day 18 and 19
The morning walk has been magical. I love the quietness and the colours of the sunrise. Stunning. I had never seen such beautiful colours in my life. I feel so content and happy after the morning walk.
The sounds of the birds are just impressive. I had never heard so many different birds singing at the same time! There are eagles flying over the ashram all the time. Their flight is like a dance. I feel rested today. I feel awake. I feel blessed.
Today in yoga nidra we work on the experience/incident that changed the direction of our life. Again the same process: living the experience, go to the cause of the incident and understand it. This is very important. Until we know the cause of the incident, it can happen again and again...
We work on being mindful of our tendencies: which thoughts are present again and again. Why do we think the way we think?
‘Be mindful of your tendencies. Use the tools to find your own answers’
Yesterday was full moon. The experience by the fire last night was beautifully overwhelming. It was so beautiful that I just bursted into tears as never before. After the yoga nidra session, we had our resolutions written in a piece of paper. A fire where waiting for us just outside the Shala. One by one we through our resolutions to the fire while chanting Om Namo Narayanaya. The release I felt at that moment is very difficult to describe. As if many different strong emotions were releasing at the same time. As if existence is forgiving me for the wrong I have done. As if existence is telling me that I am loved, that I am not alone, that I am understood, and that I have more chances. The beauty of that moment was overwhelming. Altogether, by the fire, singing, dancing, enjoying the moment. I am short of words to described these blessed moments.
I feel so happy today. SO HAPPY.
Yesterday was a busy day. I taught my 2 hours mock class too. I felt great. It was challenging to follow their way but it was good. The students were very happy and I keep realizing how much I love sharing yoga.
Yesterday during yoga nidra I had that pain on my head AGAIN. It was so heavy that I just I wanted to come out of it.
I asked Sir about my pain during yoga nidra. He asked me if I have ever had any miscommunications issues in the past. I admit I had sometimes. He advised me to work on my communication skills and that I will be fine... Well, I don’t know how to do this. I start remembering that I actually had issues with many people who misunderstood what I said. They used to complain that the way I talk to them offended them. I am not aware of it so I cannot change it. I have never been able to find out what is that people get offended by. I have never had bad intentions. I have no idea how to deal with this. I will meditate on it…
I am realizing that many times when I say something and the other person gets hurt is after I have been hurt or troubled by the person words or action in some way. I say something to that person as a defence without intention of hurting but I cannot control my tone or voice. It happened again this morning during my mock class. One of my students started to talk. She wanted to share her husband experience and, as I don’t like when my students start talking in the middle of a yoga session, I told her to leave her comments for after. I had no intention of hurting her feelings at all but I didn’t realize my tone and after the class, when I asked for feedback, she told me she had felt cut off and hurt. I AM SO SORRY. I need to be more present in these moments when I (or my ego) feel attacked in any way to control the tone of my voice.
Today during Yoga Nidra I don’t feel pain in my head nor heaviness on my body for the first time in almost three weeks. I feel so relax. It is incredible. Sir was right. I worked on my communications skills and I might have found the core of the issue because this pain and heaviness is totally gone! I entered into that state between awakens and asleep and manage to stay there for long without falling sleep, without making any effort to not fall sleep. I have this sensation of highness again. At some point it feels as if my body was elevating. It has been a bit scary but I stayed with it. It is pleasant. I feel grateful afterwards. We visualized ourselves lying on a red rose on the sea. The red rose is supposed to bring emotions up. I don’t feel emotions this time though. I feel in peace.
From this day on I did not feel the pain on my head or body any more. Nor have I felt it again here in my daily yoga nidra practice. I am still amazed at how it all worked. I found a blockage that Sir recognized and by working on that for a couple of days and finding the core of the issue the pain disappears. An issue I could not understand and therefore not even thinking in solving for decades was unfolding in front of me. Just like this. At this point of the course different other issues started to unfold in what it seemed to me a very easy way. I was flowing in the process. Working on myself effortlessly. Identifying thoughts patterns and tracking them back in time easily as I was in a state of highness almost all the time. I am so short of words to describe the sensations of flowing in my own being, of accepting my imperfections with love and compassion, of discovering a millenarian technique that is transforming me, of experiencing yoga.
To be continued…