‘When everything fails love prevails’
The second week in the ashram was the most challenging physically. My body was exhausted. But I also started to adapt and relax into my silence. It became easier and I started to be able to observe my thoughts and emotions through the day which brought new challenges...
I wake up. Label on: ‘I’m in silence’.
Today is the first day of the second week and I feel exhausted. 3 hours of asana practice every day: two in the morning and one in the afternoon. This last one is killing me. My body is very tired but I feel calmer.
The practices of drishti, pranayama and yoga nidra are having a huge impact on me. I feel so high after these practices in the evening. To keep the silence after this, during dinner, is very easy. It is affecting everyone else too as dinner is normally the quieter time in the ashram.
I am also amazed of how well my stomach feels. The vegan diet is definitely essential in this process. My digestion has improved enormously in one week. I am losing a lot of weight though: half kilo per day! Hopefully I don’t keep losing!!
Too tired to write a single sentence. I am actually writing this now!
Yesterday I was too tired and busy with the assignments to write.
I have relaxed into the silence. I don’t mind anymore if most people are not following it. Three more girls joined the silence today though. Morning tea (admiring the sun rise!) and dinners are becoming very quiet in the ashram and I am enjoying it more. The last two days I have been more aware of my emotions through the day. Today my mind has been very erratic, from one place to another, from thought to thought. However I have been able to obverse my thoughts and emotions without identifying myself with them. Just observing, through the whole day! How important the silence is in this process!
During pranayama I get so many waves of ‘high’ sensations, one after another, every time higher and higher. I am trying to be very alert when this happens. Then I got higher… I will keep the alertness and observe where this gets me…
We start yoga nidra after practising drishti and mula bandha. I entered in that transitional state between wakefulness and sleep almost from the start. I have been there for a long time, it is the first time I manage to stay there for so long! I feel great afterwards. So high. SO HIGH. My senses are more awake and I feel relax and alert.
Today has been a tough day. I have stomach-ache. It could be the spicy food from yesterday. I told Dr. Ashutosh. He asked me about my emotions today. I have been very emotional today too. He told me to stop Kunjal for 3 days. It has been too much. I had waves of emotions coming through the day. Strong ones. One after another. Kunjal works on the heart chakra and it is normal to release emotions but today it has been too much.
Pranayama has been amazing today though. I entered in that state again, so intense, so high. It is very pleasant. Dr. Ashutosh told me it is not drowsiness what I am experiencing in pranayama and yoga nidra and advised me to stay with it and gaze between the eyebrows to avoid falling sleep. It is normal to stay in that state on and off.
Today, after nine days of preparation for yoga nidra, we started visualizing our dream: ‘Dream big, have an honest dream, pursuit, and existence will make it happen’
I am exhausted today, emotionally and physically. I thank God there is not kirtan tonight only because I cannot stay awake one more minute. I need to sleep.
Dr. Ashutosh advised us to increase our water intake.
I am enjoying coming to the Shala after the shatkarmas to practice mudra and meditate. I love the quietness of mornings.
I feel so high during the relaxation after pranayama. I am flying. It is so easy now to get into that state.
I am enjoying and learning so much about Yoga Nidra. It is a very powerful tool. When you focus on relaxing one part of the body the mind sends the order to the organs in that area to relax too. That is why it is so effective for psychosomatic diseases. Yoga Nidra is the tool of pratyahara.
When we encounter pain in some part of the body where there is not injury during YN, we have encountered an energy block. During today’s session, I felt pain in my head, the part of the head touching the floor. It is unbearable and I need to move my head from side to side several times. I had encountered an energy block that would get worse and worse in the days to come…
I have been so aware of my thoughts and emotions during the day. I have entered in a kind of meditative state throughout all day long, day after day. I can observe my thoughts and emotions coming and going so easily. This is amazing. I can feel my emotions are not that strong since I stopped kunjal.
Today is supposed to be a ‘silence day’ for everybody. Dr. K. Ashutosh and Kadambari are really trying that people experience the effect of mauna and as most people are talking all the time, they came up with a ‘silence day’. I am amazed at their patience. They really are an example of patience and love. I love them. So, let’s see what happens today. To be honest, I don’t mind anymore if the rest is talking or not. I have found my quietness and the way of working on myself in the noisy surroundings. They are good people and have good intentions. Some of them are trying it for few hours or few days and they quit. It is very hard, I understand.
During pranayama I entered into a state of highness difficult to describe. I feel so good. I can feel so intensely the breeze in my head, the sounds of birds, and the sound of the wind through the trees’ leaves… I visualize a blue sky, birds flowing pass, I am in my dream, and I feel it. I am feeling my dream. I feel so content. I feel so happy. I am blessed.
And I am enjoying the food again! My stomach feels good. No pain. I am so relieve!
During todays’ session in yoga nidra I fall sleep several times. I am listening and I am not. I have the impression that it is not working. Toward the end the part of my head touching the floor is VERY heavy. Pain. Again the same energy block. Then while chanting the mantra at the end, while sending love to our loved ones, something releases. Tears come and come. I love my family so much. I miss them. I feel them close. I want to be close to them. These are tears of love. Tears of missing them. It was so beautiful to close the session with a mantra sending love to our close loved ones.
I am so tired today that I cannot fall sleep easily. Today people have remain silent most of the time and it has been a completely different experience. But back at the dormitory before going to bed people are talking again. I feel angry and disappointed. And very very tired.
Rest day. Well, or kind of, as we still have 2 hours of asana practice, karma yoga, 2 hours of lecture and mantra and kirtan!
During dinner while in silence at the table I observed how people were chatting and having a good time. I couldn’t help but thinking that I was not giving them anything with my silence. People are sharing and I am not sharing anything. Sadness and doubt invaded me. Then after dinner, just before the kirtan I decided not to wear my ‘I’m in silence’ label. I wanted to relax on the mauna stuff, it is becoming too much and it was the rest day after all! Then, just before the kirtan started one girl approach me. She just wanted to tell me that she had received so much from me in the last two weeks! She told me I had helped her a lot. My energy had helped her in her journey and she was so grateful to me that she wanted to share it with me! Wow, she came just at the right moment, when I most needed it. I am so moved by her words and so grateful for her kindness and for sharing it with me. Her words has given me the strength to keep going with my silence. I really needed to hear this. She said I helped her but she was the one helping me. She motivated me and encouraged me to keep going. She empowered me and let me see that we don’t need to talk to give.
I liked Sir’s words today: ‘How to live a long and healthy life: give, give, give, give, and give’. The realization, or being told as it is the case today, that people are receiving from my silence is so relieving and gratifying.
Today during kirtan I sang Bella Ciao with other lovely ladies on stage. People enjoyed so much. I love that song. It brings the spirit up. I am so present, in the moment. No shyness. My body is completely relax and I feel great to be able to share this with this lovely people. Dr. Ashutosh and Kadambari, you are taking my shyness and the fear of stage from me. I will eternally be grateful to you.
Now looking back I can tell you that the fear of stage and shyness were not the only things I would be leaving there. The practice was working. The inward cleansing process started to deepen at this point and my ability to keep alert and observe my thoughts patterns through the day was improving enormously. And I would need this ability for what was coming next, as I would need to dip into dark sides of my being to bring light to certain parts that needed to be healed…
To be continued…